The Doctor, the Companions, and the Ever-present Phone
by IAmTheImpossibleGirl
Summary: What happens when the Doctor's companions buy him phones and force him to learn how to use them? Chaos, hilarity, sassing, and a boatload of shouting! If you've ever wondered what the Doctor and his best friends might chat about in their down time, the best place to find out is here. Come read about the extraordinary texting lives of our favorite Time Lord and his saucy companions!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello Whovians, and welcome to my second Fanfiction. Now, as you may have guessed, this is not really a story. It's a compilation of texts between the Doctor and his companions. This is NOT a copy or imitation of the story 'Texting' by TimeLordFury (go read that if you haven't already. It's brilliant). This is my own idea and I will be using my own original thoughts.**

 **The fic starts with a tiny bit of background info. After that, the hilarious conversations will begin:D Mostly, these texts will be between Clara and the Twelfth Doctor, but I will also write conversations using the other Doctors and companions as well.**

 **Reviews, constructive criticism, and prompts are appreciated. I love them all. And I love you guys. Thank you for being such great readers.**

 **Now let the story begin. And oh yeah - I don't own Doctor Who, unfortunately.**

CHAPTER 1:

His companions always made him get a phone. Why did they always make him get a phone?

The Doctor usually ended up losing them, or throwing them into a supernova, or 'accidentally' chucking them out into deep space, or sitting on them. But that didn't stop everyone from constantly finding new ways to give him one.

It had started with Rose. After he'd accidentally left her on a different planet for a whole day with no means of communication, she'd forced him to keep a phone on him at all times. Basically, so she could call or text him and yell at him whenever she felt like it. It hadn't been much of a tragedy when a rampaging bull had stepped on it while trying to squeeze its hindquarters out of a manhole in Paris (long story). Rose swore later that she'd seen the Doctor actually _throw_ the phone under the bull's hooves, but of course, he denied _that_.

Then there was Martha, who'd given him a phone just before she left. _Hey, I'm giving up all of time and space! Have a phone_! He still had that one. Somewhere.

The Doctor had thought he was safe when Donna came along. She didn't mention a phone for months on end, and he was beginning to think that she didn't really need to get him one, since she yelled at him all the time anyway. Why text people or shout at them on the phone when you could yell at them in person? But then, one Christmas, there it was: a little box outside his bedroom door with a note on top that read: _Sorry, I spilled some bleach on it. Think it'll still work though. Merry Christmas, Spaceman_. _P.S. I hope you got me a present_.

As a matter of fact, it _had_ still worked, but not for long. The Doctor cringed just remembering the smell of that toaster after he'd experimentally dropped his phone inside it.

Amy and Rory had provided him with a phone as well - a Blackberry. "A Blackberry?" he'd protested disgustedly. "This looks nothing like a blackberry." He'd gnawed curiously on a corner and wrinkled his nose. "It doesn't even taste like one."

Well, _that_ phone had lasted longer than any of his others - about three months. But it had met a sad end in the bowels of a supernova, along with his TARDIS instruction manual.

Out of all the people who had pressed phones into his hand, though, Clara was the most persistent. Clara. Sweet Clara, determined Clara, control freak Clara. She'd given him not one, but three phones. _Three_. The Doctor had really thought that she would take the hint after he 'accidentally' squished the first under his shoe and even _more_ 'accidentally' dropped the second in the toilet. But the next day, she'd simply hand him another phone, with a steely glint in her eye that seemed to say, _You can't_ _escape this one, Mister_.

And, it seemed, he couldn't. At least not while he kept companions around.

 **(Author's Note: From now on, the stories won't have that background information above. They'll begin with a conversation such as the one below).**

 **Clara** : Doctor, are you there?

 **Twelfth Doctor** : No. Go away.

 **Clara** : I know you're there.

 **Doctor** : I'm really not. I'm definitely not here. Not now. Not ever.

 **Clara** : I know you're there because you're texting me.

 **Doctor** : Who said I'm texting you?

 **Doctor** : I'm not texting you.

 **Clara** : Yes, you are.

 **Doctor** : Nope.

 **Clara** : Then how are we communicating?

 **Doctor** : Telepathy.

 **Clara** : Really.

 **Doctor** : Yes. How can you prove that we're not? What if texting is just an illusion that brains invented so humans can mentally communicate and still have something to look at? You humans always need something to look at.

 **Clara** : I don't think texting's an illusion.

 **Doctor** : I do.

 **Clara** : Well, either way, you're still talking to me right now. That's not an illusion.

 **Doctor** : Yes it is, because I'm not talking to you.

 **Clara** : Okay, then what are you doing?

 **Doctor** : Anything but talking to you.

 **Clara** : Stop being annoying.

 **Doctor** : I'm not being anything except unresponsive, because I'm definitely not talking to you. I said I would never use this phone for texting and I haven't.

 _Two minutes and twelve seconds later_ :

 **Doctor** : Clara?

 **Doctor** : Are you there?

 _Four minutes and nine seconds later:_

 **Doctor** : Clara? Where'd you go?

 _A minute later:_

 **Doctor** : Okay, yes, I suppose I _am_ talking to you. But only because I've got nothing else to do.

 _Thirty-four seconds later_ :

 **Doctor** : Clara?

 **Doctor** : Clara?

 **Doctor** : Clara?

 **Doctor** : Clara?

 **Doctor** : CLARA?

 **Doctor** : CLARA?

 **Clara** : OH MY STARS, STOP SPAMMING ME, I'M HERE. And stop shouting.

 **Doctor** : I DIDN'T SHOUT.

 **Clara** : Yes you did. It looks like you're shouting when you use caps lock.

 **Doctor** : WHAT'S CAPS LOCK? AND I'M NOT SHOUTING. THE BIG SQUIGGLES JUST CAME ON AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO TURN THEM OFF.

 **Clara** : They're called capitals, and that would be the caps lock. You're about as tech-savvy as my Gran.

 **Doctor** : I figured it out now.

 **Doctor** : Why weren't you responding earlier?

 **Clara** : Well, you apparently weren't talking to me, so I wasn't talking to you either.

 **Clara** : So you _do_ like your phone after all. You've been texting me for ages after you said you never would.

 **Doctor** : I have to go.

 **Clara** : HA!

 **Clara** : You do like it. You just won't admit it.

 **Doctor** : Shoo.

 **Clara** : Okay. Can you send me a picture of you to use as a contact photo?

 **Doctor** : No. I don't have any pictures of me. Only humans could come up with the idea of constantly taking pictures of themselves.

 **Clara** : I'll just Google 'stick insects'.

 **Doctor** : Very funny. And I'll just google 'blobfish' for your contact picture.

 **Clara** : I don't know what those are but I'm pretty sure you just insulted me.

 **Clara** : Anyway, you don't have to go to the trouble of looking up the most insulting pictures you can find. I've got a million selfies. Hang on, I'll send some to you. Be back in a minute.

 **Doctor** : Great.

 **Aaaaand that's it for Chapter One! I hope you all enjoyed. Let me know what you thought, and leave me a prompt if you so wish:) Have a great week, everyone!**


	2. Chapter 2

**So! What are your thoughts on the new companion? I think Bill seems pretty cool and I'm excited to see more of her. But I miss Clara. It's really weird to see the Doctor standing next to someone else.**

 **Enjoy the chapter! And please leave reviews/constructive criticism!**

 **Clara** : Want to come over for dinner?

 **Doctor** : No.

 **Clara** : OK. Be here by six.

 **Doctor** : I said no.

 **Clara** : I asked out of politeness, not because I actually care about your opinion. You're coming over for dinner.

 **Doctor** : I'm busy.

 **Clara** : Doing what?

 **Doctor** : Fixing the TARDIS.

 **Clara** : You're not really doing anything, are you.

 **Doctor** : ...

 **Clara** : I thought so.

 **Doctor** : Look, why do I have to come over?

 **Clara** : Because I want to teach you how to be social, and because I'm your friend, and because normal people go to their friends' houses for dinner.

 **Doctor** : Do I look like a normal person?

 **Clara** : No, but I can make you act like one.

 **Doctor** : I'm sighing in frustration right now. Just so you know.

 **Doctor** : What are you making for dinner?

 **Clara** : TV dinners.

 **Doctor** : Okay, no. I was starting to consider coming, but not any more.

 **Clara** : Fine, fine. I'll make something.

 **Clara** : A soufflé?

 **Doctor** : NO. I'm not coming. I would rather not die from food poisoning.

 **Clara** : I hate you.

 **Clara** : Okay, not a soufflé. A quiche?

 **Doctor** : Still related to soufflés.

 **Clara** : Semantics.

 **Clara** : I could make lasagna.

 **Doctor** : You may as well just stick to TV dinners. Less risk of dying.

 **Clara** : !

 **Doctor** : What's that?

 **Clara** : It's a sign of frustration and anger.

 **Doctor** : Oh.

 **Clara** : OK. Compromise. No TV dinners and no home cooking. I'll get chips and Chinese takeout.

 **Doctor** : And bananas?

 **Clara** : Fine. Whatever.

 **Doctor** : Deal. I'll be there at six. Approximately.

 **Clara** : What do you mean, approximately?

 **Doctor** : Well, you know. Something might come up.

 **Clara** : Yeah, it might. A shoe might come up on your head unless you're on time.

 **Doctor** : !

 **Clara** : ?

 **Doctor** : It's a sign of frustration and anger.

 **Clara** : No, you can't do that. Only I can do that.

 **Doctor** : Try and stop me.

 **Clara** : I will.

 **Doctor** : !

 **Clara** : !

 **Doctor** : !

 **Clara** : !

 **Doctor** : Why are we doing this? This is pointless.

 **Clara** : You started it.

 **Doctor** : I did not.

 **Clara** : You did too.

 **Doctor** : !

 **Clara** : Okay, let's not start that again. So you're definitely coming for dinner?

 **Doctor** : Yes. Should I bring anything?

 **Clara** : _What_?

 **Doctor** : Why did you italicize that?

 **Clara** : To emphasize my shock.

 **Doctor** : What's so shocking? I only asked if I should bring anything.

 **Clara** : I know. You were actually being polite. That's what's so shocking.

 **Doctor** : Ha ha.

 **Clara** : I must be rubbing off on you.

 **Doctor** : Hardly. You're the rudest human I know. And I know plenty of rude humans.

 **Clara** : It takes one to know one.

 **Doctor** : You're just dripping with wit tonight, aren't you?

 **Clara** : Tonight and every night.

 **Doctor** : Well, should I?

 **Clara** : Should you what?

 **Doctor** : Bring something.

 **Clara** : Other than good manners, which I'm not sure you even have, then no.

 **Clara** : Oooh, wait. Could you bring some of those creamy vanilla fudge things from that intergalactic bazaar place? I love those.

 **Doctor** : I know. You ate ten of them last time. And they made you fat.

 **Clara** : Excuse me?

 **Doctor** : I meant round.

 **Clara** : Same thing.

 **Doctor** : Why do I need to bring those? Haven't you got dessert at your house?

 **Clara** : Not unless you want me to bake a soufflé...

 **Doctor** : I'll pass on the soufflé.

 **Doctor** : Is a bag of the fudgy things enough?

 **Clara** : Should be.

 **Doctor** : Okay. See you soon Ozzie.

 **Clara** : What?

 **Doctor** : Ozzie. Like Oswald. But shorter.

 **Clara** : Don't ever call me that again.

 **Doctor** : How about Miss Oswald?

 **Clara** : No.

 **Doctor** : Short, round human?

 **Clara** : NO.

 **Doctor** : Well, I need an embarrassing nickname for you. You have so many for me.

 **Clara** : You do lots more embarrassing things than I do. More opportunities to come up with nicknames.

 **Doctor** : !

 **Clara** : Oh, stop it. You know it's true.

 **Clara** : Right, I'd better go. I still have to correct today's essays. I can already tell they're atrocious by reading the titles, so I want to get it over with.

 **Doctor** : Wait, Clara?

 **Clara** : Yes?

 **Doctor** : Why did you invite me for dinner anyway?

 **Clara** : Because you're my best friend, and I like talking to you, and because it gets kind of lonely in my flat with just me.

 **Doctor** : Oh.

 **Clara** : So you'd better be here at six on the dot, Mister. Not a second too early or too late.

 **Doctor** : I don't know if I can manage that.

 **Clara** : Don't give me that rubbish. You're a bloody Time Lord. Of course you can manage it.

 **Doctor** : I'll try.

 **Clara** : Good. See you then. And don't forget my vanilla fudges.

 **Hope you enjoyed. Also, just so you know, I may not update again for a couple weeks because I have an important exam coming up.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Well, I was supposed to be studying for my test, but this happened instead.**

 **I have an excuse though. Writing this totally helped me clear my head, and I really needed a break from all the frantic calculus studying. So here you are - I hope you enjoy this! I'm a tiny bit proud of this chapter:)**

 **And by the way, thanks SO MUCH for the overwhelmingly positive response to this story! You guys are the best! Ten reviews already! I'm really glad you're liking it. And thank you, all of you, for the good luck wishes on my exam. I'm going to need a lot of luck to pass.**

 **Now on with the story.**

 **Clara** : Doctor.

 **Clara** : Doctor.

 **Clara** : Doctor.

 **Doctor** : Stop poking me.

 **Clara** : What? I'm not poking you.

 **Doctor** : Yes you are. Whenever you say 'Doctor' like that you poke my arm. What do you want, anyway?

 **Clara** : I just wanted to talk to you. Is that a crime?

 **Doctor** : Yes.

 **Clara** : Sue me then. It won't stop me from talking to you.

 **Doctor** : I know it won't; that's why I'm not even going to bother.

 **Doctor** : What are u doing?

 **Doctor** : Stop right there.

 **Clara** : ?

 **Doctor** : That u.

 **Doctor** : Why did you put it there?

 **Clara** : It's texting shorthand. It's short for 'you'.

 **Doctor** : Because humans are too lazy to type the two extra letters.

 **Clara** : No, stupid. We do it to annoy grammar freaks like you.

 **Doctor** : Really?

 **Clara** : No, we're just lazy.

 **Clara** : You need to get better at recognizing sarcasm.

 **Doctor** : _You_ need to stop using that appalling text shorthand.

 **Doctor** : I won't tolerate it.

 **Clara** : Y?

 **Doctor** : What?

 **Clara** : It's short for 'why'.

 **Doctor** : Because it's annoying, and blunt, and rude.

 **Clara** : Hmmm... sounds like someone I know...

 **Doctor** : Who?

 **Clara** : Never mind. He's too dense to ever figure out how annoying he is.

 **Doctor** : Whatever. My point is, learn to type like normal people!

 **Clara** : Um, have you been living under a rock? This is what normal people type like.

 **Clara** : At least normal people who aren't from the Dark Ages.

 **Clara** : That was pointed at you. Just so you know.

 **Doctor** : Yes, I got it, thanks.

 **Doctor** : But you're an English teacher. How can you stand to use such horrifying language?

 **Clara** : There's a big difference between English teacher and Grammar Nazi. I'm one, you're the other.

 **Doctor** : I've met Hitler, and you're more like him then anyone else I know.

 **Clara** : Just stop talking now.

 **Clara** : Wait. Hitler? When?

 **Doctor** : A long time ago. Rory told him to shut up.

 **Clara** : Who?

 **Doctor** : Never mind. Just stop with the texting language, okay?

 **Clara** : Wat will u do if i dont?

 **Doctor** : Stop it.

 **Clara** : Y should i stop? Im having fun;)

 **Doctor** : Clara Oswald, I'm warning you.

 **Clara** : :):):):)

 **Doctor** : And stop with the little evil smiles, they're creepy.

 **Clara** : They are _not_.

 **Clara** : I'll show you what's creepy.

 **Clara** : This is creepy: : - |

 **Doctor** : What is that even supposed to be?

 **Clara** : See, it's you: : - |

 **Doctor** : Hilarious.

 **Clara** : I know. : - |

 **Doctor** : This is you. % (

 **Clara** : Why are my eyes lopsided?

 **Doctor** : They're not lopsided. They're ginormous. I couldn't find any other symbol with such big circles.

 **Clara** : I hate you.

 **Doctor** : :)

 **Clara** : Okay, don't do that. Only I can do that. It's weird when you do it.

 **Doctor** : Y?

 **Clara** : _Don't_.

 **Doctor** : Okay.

 **Doctor** : You're not using text language anymore.

 **Clara** : Do you want me to?

 **Doctor** : NO. I was just wondering why.

 **Clara** : I was just doing it to annoy you, I don't really use that language much. I have enough time on my hands to spell everything properly.

 **Doctor** : So you are an English teacher after all.

 **Clara** : Shut up.

 **Doctor** : Okay, Os.

 **Clara** : Are you still trying to come up with nicknames for me?

 **Doctor** : Maybe...

 **Clara** : They're all rubbish.

 **Clara** : And stop pouting.

 **Doctor** : I'm not pouting.

 **Clara** : Yes you are, you always do when I say something like that, and then you make me feel guilty. So don't do it.

 **Doctor** : Yes ma'am.

 **Clara** : That's better. And while you're calling me 'ma'am', you can go to Starbucks and pick up an iced latte for me.

 **Doctor** : Oops, the wifi's going bad, I'd better go and fix it... I'm leaving now.

 **Clara** : I thought so.

 **Clara** : Now I actually have to walk to the Starbucks myself.

 **Doctor** : What a tragedy.

 **Clara** : A stick insect like yourself wouldn't understand the sorrows of mortal life.

 **Clara** : Gotta go, talk later?

 **Doctor** : I don't really have a choice _but_ to talk later, do I?

 **Clara** : Of course not. I was just phrasing it as a question to try to be polite. I keep hoping some of my politeness will rub off on you.

 **Doctor** : Says the woman who practically trampled a couple of people underfoot just to be the first in line at the Marks and Spencers sale.

 **Clara:** I was excited!

 **Clara** : And wait, you saw that?

 **Doctor** : I see everything. I know everything.

 **Clara** : Because that isn't creepy.

 **Clara** : Okay, I'm going now. Please try not to stalk me.

 **Doctor** : Why not?

 **Clara** : Because I'll force you to eat one of my soufflés if you do.

 **Doctor** : I won't stalk you.

 **Clara** : Good.

 **Clara** : Talk to you later then.

 _Thirty seconds later_ :

 **Clara** : DOCTOR.

 **Doctor** : Yes?

 **Clara** : I just looked out of my window and saw you across the street!

 **Clara** : What the hell are you doing?! I thought we went over this: it's not polite to stalk people!

 **Doctor** : I'm not stalking! I'm just... watching you to make sure you're safe.

 **Clara** : How many times a day to you pop over to check on me?!

 **Doctor** : Usually at least ten.

 **Doctor** : I mean, never. This is the first time I've done it.

 **Doctor** : Oops.

 **Clara** : Doctor, I'm coming down there to smack you right now.

 **Doctor** : I'll be several billion light years away by the time you get down.

 **Clara** : Well, you'd better hurry up and leave then, because here I come.

 **Clara** : Now shoo.

 **Doctor** : Point taken. Bye.

 **Clara** : See you later, you numpty.

 **So what did you think? If you have time, please leave reviews or prompts, it would really help distract me from my test on Thursday. I need distraction because I'm having an absolute panic attack. Also, I'm wondering who you would like to see in the next chapter. Clara and 12 are hilarious and super fun to write, but I did say I would be using other characters as well. So which Doctor/companion duo would you like to see next? (Captain Jack and River could be used too) Or would you rather that I stick to 12 and Clara? Let me know**!


	4. Chapter 4

**Well, River seems to be a popular character, and I got a few requests for her, so here you are. This chapter was really fun to write, to be honest. I'm nervous about it though. River Song is a hard character to write, so I don't know if I got her personality right. And I haven't even seen The Husbands of River Song yet, so I have no idea how she and Twelve would actually behave together! I had to guess. I know I'll be writing about River again in the future, so please tell me if there's any way I can improve how I wrote her personality.**

 **Thanks for reading and reviewing. Allons-y!**

 **River Song:** Hello, sweetie.

 **Twelfth** **Doctor** : What?! River?

 **River** : Who else calls you 'sweetie'?

 **Doctor** : Good point.

 **Doctor** : How did you get my number? Only Clara's got it, and she guards it extremely jealously.

 **River** : Oh, yes. Clara. Your newest accomplice. She's got a bit of a wide face, hasn't she?

 **Doctor** : Accomplice? You make it sound like we rob banks together or something.

 **Doctor** : Well... we did once, actually.

 **River** : Yes, I know. My point exactly.

 **River** : She's still got a wide face though.

 **Doctor** :You're just jealous.

 **River** : Maybe I am.

 **Doctor** : Actually, I thought she had a bit of a wide face too. I tried to tell her about it, but she didn't take it very well.

 **Doctor** : Hang on, how'd you know about Clara? And about me robbing a bank? Do you spy on me?

 **River** : Well, I have to make sure you don't destroy the universe, don't I? I have to keep an eye on you all the time. More like two eyes.

 **River** : And I don't think you can really talk. I know Clara shouted at _you_ just the other day for spying on _her_.

 **Doctor** : Okay, that's really creepy, forget I asked about spying.

 **Doctor** : But what about my number? How'd you get it?

 **River** : You really don't want to know.

 **Doctor** : I hope you didn't do anything illegal.

 **River** : As if you can talk. Illegal is your middle name, dear.

 **Doctor** : Did you though?

 **River** : Now _that_ would be telling. ;)

 **Doctor** : AGAIN WITH THE CREEPY SMILES. Why are those so popular?

 **River** : Because people don't like to look at frowns.

 **Doctor** : Was that comment aimed at me?

 **River** : Yes.

 **Doctor** : I thought so.

 **Doctor** : So... what's up?

 **River** : I love it when you try to be cool.

 **Doctor** : Oh, stop it.

 **River** : Make me;)

 **Doctor** : I will.

 **Doctor** : Wait... is this... 'flirting'?

 **River** : I suppose, why?

 **Doctor** : I've heard of flirting before. I never thought I'd actually do it. This is embarrassing.

 **River** : Nonsense. Your eleventh regeneration flirted all the time. With just about anyone who would listen.

 **Doctor** : ... I was _trying_ to forget that. Thanks for reminding me again.

 **River** : Anytime, love.

 **Doctor** : Well, you never answered my question. What have you been up to?

 **River** : Oh, not much. Saving a few civilizations, meeting a few people, causing a lot of trouble. The usual.

 **Doctor** : And spying on me, of course.

 **River** : Yes. Imagine the trouble you'd get up to if I wasn't watching.

 **Doctor** : Quite a bit, I suppose. But not as much as the trouble I get up to while you _are_ watching.

 **River** : Oh, flirting again, are we?

 **Doctor** : What? No! I meant - I get into trouble anyway, whether or not you're watching. I wasn't flirting.

 **River** : If you say so.

 **Doctor** : You don't believe me, do you.

 **River** : Not at all, dear.

 _Thirty seconds later_ :

 **Doctor** : Awkward silence.

 **River** : What?

 **Doctor** : Well, it was like when no one talks and there's an awkward silence, and someone says 'awkward silence'. But it was over text. So I texted it instead.

 **River** : You're hopeless.

 **Doctor** : I know.

 **Doctor** : Erm... we should... see each other sometime, maybe?

 **River** : I just got back from seeing you.

 **Doctor** : What?

 **River** : I forgot to mention, I'm writing to you from six months, two days, and ninety-nine minutes in your future. I saw you only yesterday.

 **Doctor** : What did we do?

 **River** : Spoilers, sweetie.

 **Doctor** : If I hear that one more time I'll explode.

 **River** : Good thing you only saw it, then.

 **Doctor** : !

 **River** : What's that?

 **Doctor** : Clara taught it to me. It's a sign of frustration and anger.

 **River** : I rather like this Clara. I'll have to meet her sometime.

 **Doctor** : So you can laugh about me together.

 **River** : Well, of course! Why else?

 **River** : Uh-oh, I have to go, they've caught my scent now.

 **Doctor** : What? Who?

 **River** : Oh, the Judoon are after me.

 **Doctor** : _The intergalactic police are after you_? What did you do?

 **River** : Nothing major.

 **River** : Although I may be a little late to dinner tonight, husband.

 **Doctor** : Do I need to come and pick you up before you get blasted into smithereens?

 **River** : That would be nice. Perhaps we can go on a dinner date afterwards. Some great restaurants have popped up since we last saw each other!

 **Doctor** : Why are you texting me while the Judoon are chasing you?! Send me the coordinates of your location so I can pick you up, and then get out of there!

 **River** : I'm a great multitasker!

 **Doctor** : I'm coming to get you, hang on.

 **River** : Thanks, sweetie. Remember to wipe your feet on the doormat when you get here.

 **Doctor** : Stop texting and run.

 **River** : Don't worry, they're extremely slow.

 **Doctor** : You're still texting.

 **River** : I know, isn't it amazing?

 **Doctor** : I'm starting up the TARDIS right now, see you in a few.

 **Doctor** : And not another word from you. Only you could text people while running for your life.

 **Doctor** : And maybe Clara. But that's beside the point.

 **Doctor** : Oh, and one other thing.

 **River** : What's that?

 **Doctor** : Hello, sweetie.

 **River always seems to crack a lot of 'domestic' jokes in the show, if you know what I mean, so I thought I would include a couple in here:) Hope you enjoyed. Reviews and constructive criticism appreciated**!


	5. Chapter 5

**This chapter was far harder than I anticipated. It's a chapter with the Twelfth Doctor and Missy, as requested by a guest. I'm not sure how I did... Missy is very hard to write! Let me know what you think.**

 **Missy** : Hello, bad boy.

 **Twelfth Doctor** : Who is this?

 **Missy** : Come on, love. Don't you recognize your favorite Time Lady?

 **Doctor** : Missy?!

 **Missy** : Bingo.

 **Doctor** : But who gave you this number?

 **Missy** : The woman in the shop.

 **Doctor** : What?

 **Missy** : Just teasing. We all know _I'm_ the woman in the shop.

 **Doctor** : Only Clara has this number.

 **Missy** : Oh, yes. How is your little puppy?

 **Doctor** : Who?

 **Missy** : Clara.

 **Doctor** : She's fine, why do you care?

 **Missy** : Now, now, no need to get suspicious. Is it so wrong for me to try to be friendly?

 **Doctor** : ... Well, it hasn't happened very often...

 **Missy** : You're hurting my feelings:(

 **Doctor** : IF ANYONE SENDS ME ANOTHER OF THOSE LITTLE FACES, I WILL BE EXTREMELY ANGRY.

 **Missy** : Perhaps you need anger management lessons. I know just the place to go.

 **Doctor** : Oh, you're one to talk. Last time we met, you tried to turn the whole world into a living graveyard of metal men!

 **Missy** : Oh, please. You're so dramatic. That was just a graduation party!

 **Doctor** : A what?

 **Missy** : A graduation party. You know, I graduated from evil Time Lord to even more evil Time Lady! Worthy of celebration, don't you think?

 **Doctor** : No.

 **Missy** : Spoilsport.

 **Missy** : Oh yes, I was wondering if you would like to come to tea? I've got a lovely spread.

 **Doctor** : Is 'tea' short for 'almost dying a very painful death'?

 **Missy** : Of course not! I don't even have any grenades.

 **Doctor** : Well, good for you. I'll stay where I am anyway.

 **Missy** : I'll just have to come to you, then. I've got a vortex manipulator.

 **Doctor** : Absolutely not. One psychopath per TARDIS.

 **Missy** : Who told you that? They sound boring.

 **Doctor** : My wife.

 **Missy** : Boring, boring, boring. Imagine if you traveled with me. What fun we'd have!

 **Doctor** : Yeah, no thanks.

 **Missy** : No need to get tetchy.

 **Doctor** : What are you talking about? There is every need to get tetchy! You won't even tell me where you got this number! I don't like not knowing things.

 **Missy** : Yes, I know. It's very funny watching you squirm in frustration.

 **Missy** : Well, if you must know, I hacked into Clara's phone and copied down your number from her contacts section. Did you know, her contact picture for you is a stick insect wearing sunglasses?

 **Doctor** : Is it really?

 **Doctor** : Wait, you're just trying to take my mind off the fact that you hacked into Clara's phone.

 **Doctor** : Does she know?

 **Missy** : Well, I changed her home screen to a picture that says,"MISSY WAS HERE!" So probably.

 **Doctor** : You watch out, she'll be out for revenge now. Clara doesn't take that stuff lightly.

 **Missy** : Awwww, are you worried about me?

 **Doctor** : Yes.

 **Doctor** : I mean no. No. I'm not worried about you. Ever.

 **Misty** : How sweet, you're almost making me feel guilty about lying to you last time we met.

 **Doctor** : Well, you should feel guilty. And speaking of which, why am I still talking to you?! I'm very cross with you.

 **Missy** : You big meanie.

 **Missy** : That happened ages ago.

 **Doctor** : Three months ago.

 **Missy** : Semantics, semantics. Always spoiling my fun.

 **Missy** : Dear me, the Daleks are telling me to stop stalling. I'd better get a move on.

 **Doctor** : WHAT? The Daleks?

 **Doctor** : Missy, what are you doing with the Daleks? Tell me right now!

 **Missy** : You'll find out, dearie! Don't worry!

 **Doctor** : I am going to find you and put a stop to whatever you're doing.

 **Missy** : Try all you like. Failure, however, is on a roaring discount today! 100 % off!

 **Doctor** : Why must you always talk like that?

 **Missy** : I'm not _trying_ to be sexy. It's just my way of expressing myself.

 **Missy** : Lovely quote from Mr. Elvis Presley. Now that man was something else.

 **Missy** : Awww, these Daleks are so lovely. They're threatening to exterminate me! I'd better get a move on.

 **Doctor** : Missy, I'm warning you.

 **Missy** : Noted.

 **Missy** : Bye!

 **Doctor** : !

 **Ugh, I never know how to end these chapters. I hope I did a good job. Reviews/constructive criticism appreciated... They inspire me to write better and better. Let me know how I did with my characterization of Missy. What can I fix?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry I haven't updated in forever. I've been busy.**

 **This chapter was requested by faithfulviewer and was quite interesting to write. I hope you like it. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

 **Eleventh Doctor** : Ponds! Rivwr! Lopk! I've figurwd out how to start a groyp chat!

 **River** : Great job, sweetie. Now you just have to learn how to spell.

 **Doctor** : I can't figurr out how to type on this screwn. It's so tiny.

 **Amy** : I think it's more a case of, 'your hands are too big'.

 **Doctor** : I'll just have to start typing really slowly.

 **Doctor** : But did you see?! I figured out how to start a group chat!

 **Amy** : Yep, I think we got that. Rory, did you get that?

 **Rory** : Yeah.

 **Rory** : Ames, I'm at the store. What do you want me to get?

 **Doctor** : Oooh, have they got bowties? I need a new one.

 **Rory** : ... It's a grocery store.

 **Doctor** : Oh.

 **Doctor** : Well, how about some fish fingers and custard, then?

 **Rory** : Um... no.

 **Amy** : Just pick up some beans and salsa. It's tortilla night.

 **Doctor** : Tortilla night? So boring!

 **Doctor** : And beans! BLEURGH! Why beans? You know I hate beans.

 **Amy** : What does _your_ hatred of beans have to do with _our_ tortilla night?

 **Doctor** : I was under the impression that I was invited to your tortilla night.

 **Amy** : Where the hell did you get that impression?

 **River** : Best not to ask that question, Mother. There's no logical answer.

 **Rory** : But I don't remember inviting him.

 **Doctor** : Well, I just thought you'd want to invite me for dinner since you haven't seen me in so long...

 **Amy** : And whose fault is that? You could have come any time before now. It's not our fault you haven't come for three months.

 **River** : Sweetie, I have to agree with her. You've been a little forgetful.

 **Rory** : I second that. Er, third it.

 **Doctor** : What?! Is it my fault that I get distracted so easily?

 **River** : Yes.

 **Amy** : What was it this time, anyway?

 **Doctor** : Well, there was this iguana with two hearts, and I've spent a while trying to figure out if it's from Gallifrey or not.

 **Amy** : I can't believe I'm less important than some lizard.

 **Doctor** : Oh, stop it, Pond. You know that's not true.

 **Doctor** : ...Has it really been three months?

 **Rory** : Yes.

 **Doctor** : Oh.

 **Doctor** : Um... what have you been up to in the last three months, then?

 **Amy** : We've been planting a garden.

 **Rory** : And I got promoted.

 **Doctor** : Ah. Fun. Sort of. Not really.

 **Doctor** : What about you, River?

 **River** : Oh, I've been searching for a gorgeous man with a time machine.

 **Doctor** : _Have_ you?

 **River** : Oh, not you, sweetie. The president of the Scarab galaxy has been wreaking havoc with some sort of time machine he built. I've been hunting him for a while.

 **Doctor**. ...Oh.

 **River** : Although _he's_ not the most gorgeous man I know.

 **Doctor** : Oh, stop it, you're embarrassing me.

 **River** : If you like.

 **Amy** : Okay, enough flirting! Doctor, shut up. River, don't encourage him.

 **River** : Yes, Mother.

 **Rory** : Yeah, no more flirting.

 **Rory** : I'm checking out. Are you sure there's nothing else you want, Amy?

 **Amy** : Yep.

 **Amy** : WAIT! I need sauce for tomorrow's lasagna.

 **Rory** : AMY! I've just paid.

 **Doctor** : This domestic life is making my head hurt. River, call me when it's over.

 **Amy** : Oi. I'm right here.

 **Doctor** : Are you finished?

 **Amy** : With what?

 **Doctor** : With being all... domestic-y.

 **Rory** : Is that an insult?

 **Doctor** : Yes.

 **Doctor** : I mean, no. Not at all. Definitely not. Absolutely not an insult.

 **River** : It was an insult.

 **Amy** : Yeah, I know. He's not getting any dessert tonight.

 **Doctor** : WHAT? Amelia! You wouldn't dare.

 **Doctor** : Wait. So I am invited?

 **Amy** : Of course, stupid! River, you should come too.

 **River** : I'd love to.

 **Doctor** : Yay! Except BEANS. I might have to bring my own dinner.

 **Amy** : You're such an idiot.

 **Amy** : I'll make you a burrito with just cheese, is that bland enough for you?

 **Rory** : Seriously, though, even kids aren't that picky.

 **River** : Dad, if you ever expect my husband to act like an adult, prepare to be disappointed.

 **River** : I've learned to just let him act however he wants. It's less trouble for me that way.

 **Amy** : Too bad. I was hoping you could teach him some manners.

 **Doctor** : Oi! I'm here too, you know!

 **Amy** : I'm just teasing. You're not that bad.

 **River** : That's only because you're not married to him.

 **Amy** : LOL.

 **Doctor** : What's LOL?

 **Rory** : It's short for 'laughing out loud'.

 **Doctor** : Really? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Its so dumb, I'm LOL.

 **Amy** : No, you can't use it like that, it's got to be on it's own. No 'I'm' or anything like that.

 **Doctor** : Like this? LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL.

 **River** : You must be rolling on the floor by now.

 **Doctor** : Ooh, nice one, River. Very NP.

 **River** : Very what?

 **Doctor** : NP. Nicely phrased.

 **Amy** : I think it's short for 'no problem'.

 **Doctor** : Oh. Same difference.

 **Rory** : Not really.

 **Doctor** : What about this one? PLZ.

 **Amy** : That one means please.

 **Doctor** : WHAT? But 'please' doesn't even HAVE a z in it! Who invented that stupid phrase? I don't like them.

 **River** : Okay, calm down, sweetie.

 **Doctor** : Yes, sorry. Moving on.

 **Doctor** : What about this one? LMAO.

 _Thirty seconds later_ :

 **Doctor** : Hello? Ponds? River? Where'd you all go?

 **Amy** : Um, Doctor, I think you should stay away from texting abbreviations now.

 **Doctor** : Why?

 **River** : We don't want to spoil your innocence.

 **Doctor** : Innocence? What innocence? You're talking to the man who saw a cat on the street and didn't even pet it! No one can be innocent after doing that!

 **Rory** : I think that was River's point.

 **Amy** : Uh oh, I have to go. Our next-door neighbor is coming over again.

 **Doctor** : That woman isn't very nice. She insulted my bow tie. Keep away from her.

 **Amy** : ... Okay.

 **Amy** : Doctor - River - be here at six for dinner.

 **Doctor** : Which month?

 **Amy** : Are you kidding me? He doesn't even remember when he saw us last!

 **Doctor** : It's kind of hard to keep track of time when you own a time machine!

 **Rory** : It's July. July 14th.

 **Doctor** : Great. And I'm bringing all of you presents!

 **Amy** : Is your present some kind of hatwear?

 **Doctor** : Aww, how did you know?

 **Amy** : Just a hunch.

 **River** : Should I bring my gun, Mother? Just as a precaution. In case he's wearing another of those silly fezzes.

 **Amy** : I think you should. Just in case.

 **Amy** : Okay, the neighbor's here. Gotta go. See you soon.

 **Rory** : Bye Ames.

 **River** : See you soon, Mother.

 **Doctor** : Bye Ponds! Bye wifey! See you at... whenever I was supposed to see you at!

 **River** : ... Wifey? Well, well. Looks like someone's getting bolder.

 **Doctor** : Only for you, River.

 **Rory** : DOCTOR. NO. MORE. FLIRTING.

 **Doctor** : Yes, yes, Roranicus. I know.

 **Rory** : That's not my name.

 **Doctor** : Pond, then?

 **Rory** : My last name is _Williams_ , as you very well know!

 **Doctor** : No, it's Pond! Amy's a Pond, therefore, Pond!

 **Rory** : That makes no sense.

 **River** : Just go with the flow, Dad.

 **Doctor** : Especially when the flow is as handsome as me.

 **Doctor** : That sounded better in my head.

 **Rory** : Ok, I'm going to go now, before this conversation gets any weirder.

 **Rory** : See you later, guys.

 **Doctor** : Bye Pond! I mean Roranicus! I mean Rory! Whoever you are.

 **Rory** : Great. Thanks.

 **For those of you who don't know what LMAO is short for... look it up. I'm not telling you. I only just found out myself.**

 **Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Reviews/constructive criticism appreciated. See you next time friends!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Wow, sorry I haven't updated in a while! Anyway - TheFezWearer15 requested that I use Jack Harkness in a chapter, so I have. I used Martha as well. This chapter takes place some months after Martha left the Doctor, while Donna is his companion. I hope you all enjoy! And I have to warn you... there are a couple moments where Jack is being Jack, if you know what I mean. Anyway. You've been warned.**

 **Thank you for reading and reviewing. Love you guys!**

 **Martha** : Doctor? Doctor, are you getting this?

 **Tenth Doctor** : Um. Who is this?

 **Martha** : It's Martha.

 **Doctor** : Oh?

 **Martha** : Glad you're happy to hear from me. Honestly, I talk to you for the first time in months and I don't even get a hello. You're not even surprised.

 **Doctor** : No, no, I am happy to hear from you! Good old Martha. I've missed you, you know. I was just wondering how you got this number.

 **Martha** : Doctor, I'm texting the phone that _I_ gave you. Of course I know the number.

 **Doctor** : Oh, right.

 **Doctor** : Soooooo... erm... how've you been?

 **Martha** : UNIT's been keeping me busy. But I've been great otherwise. Mickey says to tell you hello.

 **Doctor** : Ah, Mickey the Idiot. Good old days.

 **Martha** : Don't call him that.

 **Doctor** : Sorry.

 **Martha** : What about you? Still traveling with Donna?

 **Doctor** : Yep.

 **Martha** : I hope she's drilling some sense into you.

 **Doctor** : Oi!

 **Martha** : You should come visit sometime. It would be nice to see you again.

 **Doctor** : You're right. I'll write it down in my calendar.

 **Martha** : You don't have a calendar.

 **Doctor** : Yeah, suppose not.

 **Doctor** : I will come see you though, I promise. When should I come?

 **Martha** : Right now would be good.

 **Doctor** : What?!

 **Martha** : Unfortunately, I didn't text you just so we could chat. There's sort of a problem. We'd like you to come check it out.

 **Doctor** : What is it _this_ time?

 **Martha** : Hard to describe. Just come down, will you?

 **Doctor** : Fine, fine. I'll come. But Donna will _not_ be happy.

 **Martha** : I know. If she wants someone to shout at, I'll volunteer myself. Just hurry up and come.

 **Doctor** : Right. See you soon.

 **Jack** : Hey hey hey, wait for me! I don't want to miss the party.

 **Martha** : Who are you? This is a private conversation. How did you get in?

 **Jack** : Don't you recognize me? Come on, Doc. You know who I am.

 **Doctor** : It can't be.

 **Doctor** : Jack? Jack Harkness? He's the only one I know who calls me Doc.

 **Jack** : Bingo. Nice to see you again, Doc. Well - talk to you anyway.

 **Jack** : And Martha! Lookin' good.

 **Martha** : You can't even see.

 **Jack** : I can in my mind.

 **Doctor** : Jack, stop flirting.

 **Jack** : What? I didn't even say anything.

 **Martha** : Jack, UNIT has private servers that no one else can access. This conversation should be absolutely impenetrable to anyone else. How are you texting us?

 **Jack** : Didn't I ever tell ya I'm one of the best hackers in the universe?

 **Jack** : At Torchwood we have access to all of the 'private' conversations of just about every organization on the planet. It was a simple matter for me to hack into UNIT's communication networks.

 **Doctor** : Oooh, clever.

 **Martha** : So you've been watching everything we've said to anyone else by phone, email, text, and every other type of social media.

 **Jack:** Yep. And when I saw you talking to the Doctor here, I decided to join the party.

 **Martha** : That cannot be legal.

 **Jack** : Probably not, honey. Just don't think about it, okay?

 **Martha** : I'm going to have to report this. UNIT needs to know if their privacy is no longer secure.

 **Jack** : Oh, stop being such a killjoy. Look, I promise we haven't used the information we've gleaned to do anything harmful.

 **Jack** : And you'd be surprised at how many texts and phone calls are absolutely rubbish. Just yesterday one of your top officials had a long talk with his wife about the bacon dish she was supposed to make for dinner. If I were you I'd report him instead of me.

 **Martha** : Really?

 **Doctor** : Right, let's get back to the topic... Jack, I'm guessing Torchwood has noticed the same problem UNIT has?

 **Jack** : Right as always, Doc. It's kinda hard to describe.

 **Doctor** : So I've heard.

 **Jack** : Can you get down here and come take a look?

 **Doctor** : Yes, but I'll be bringing Donna.

 **Jack** : Uh-oh. I better build a bomb shelter.

 **Doctor** : I don't get it.

 **Doctor** : Oh, wait, I get it. That was funny. Nice one, Jack.

 **Jack** : Thanks.

 **Doctor** : Wait, should I come to UNIT or Torchwood?

 **Martha** : UNIT.

 **Jack** : Torchwood.

 **Doctor** : I've got an idea! How about I come to both?

 **Martha** : Wow.

 **Doctor** : We can't all be as clever as me.

 **Martha** : That's disgusting. I'm going to leave now.

 **Jack** : I should get going too - I'm a little... shall we say, busy at the moment.

 **Martha** : Please don't elaborate.

 **Jack** : Wouldn't dream of it, honey.

 **Jack** : Doctor - see you soon.

 **Doctor** : Right. I'll be there momentarily. Torchwood first. Then UNIT.

 **Martha** : Okay. See you in a bit.

 **Doctor:** Allons-y!

 **Well, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please tell me what you think! Also, the next few chapters will probably be the Doctor and Clara... I've missed writing them:) after that I'd like to try my hand at Donna. I love Donna.**

 **Anyway, see you next time! Like the Doctor says, allons-y!**


	8. Chapter 8

**It's been a while since I posted, sorry! And it will be a while before I post again (at least a month) because I will be hosting a foreign exchange student! So this is the last chapter you'll have for a while:( On a happier note, Clara and the Doctor are back in this chapter, because I love them and because they're precious. So enjoy. Thanks for reading and reviewing. Geronimo!**

 **Twelfth Doctor** : Clara.

 **Doctor** : Clara.

 **Doctor** : Clara.

 **Doctor** : Clara Oswald, I am talking to you.

 **Doctor** : My God, I've chosen the laziest woman alive for my companion!

 **Doctor** : Will you get out of bed already?

 **Doctor** : CLARA!

 **Clara** : SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP. I'M TRYING TO SLEEP. GOODNIGHT.

 **Doctor** : Goodnight? It's five in the morning for you! Time to be up and showering or burning soufflés or making giant eyes at yourself in the mirror or whatever it is you do in the morning!

 **Doctor** : Come on!

 **Clara** : Doctor, I am silencing my phone now.

 **Doctor** : No, don't. I want to say hello.

 **Clara** : You've just said it. Now sod off.

 **Doctor** : No, Clara, wait.

 **Doctor** : Clara?

 _Thirty seconds later_ :

 **Doctor** : Where've you gone?

 _A minute later_ :

 **Doctor** : Claraaaaaaaaaa?

 **Clara** : Fine, fine, I'm up! You sodding nuisance.

 **Doctor** : How polite of you.

 **Clara** : You are the most exasperating headache I've ever had. What a sodding irritation.

 **Doctor** : You seem quite fond of the word 'sodding' this morning. Are you feeling better now that you've insulted me?

 **Clara** : Yes, actually.

 **Doctor** : Good. Can I talk to you without being virtually shouted at now?

 **Clara** : Can you _ever_ talk to me without being virtually shouted at?

 **Doctor** : Good point.

 **Doctor** : Okay, shouted at less than usual.

 **Clara** : Perhaps. But don't get too hopeful. I usually tend to shout at people who wake me up at five in the bloody morning.

 **Doctor** : Yes, I am aware of that.

 **Clara** : Why did you do it then?

 **Doctor** : Because I wanted to tell you to turn around.

 _Five seconds later_ :

 **Clara** : OH MY STARS! Doctor, you idiot! Did you put that giant fake spider on the wall?!

 **Doctor** : Guilty.

 **Clara** : YOU KNOW I HATE SPIDERS!

 **Doctor** : That's why it's funny!

 **Clara** : I hate you.

 **Doctor** : April Fool's!

 **Clara** : ... It's February.

 **Doctor** : Oh.

 **Doctor** : Right.

 **Doctor** : February Fool's?

 **Clara** : NO.

 **Doctor** : Oh, come on, Clara. You have to admit it was funny.

 **Clara** : I will admit no such thing.

 **Doctor** : I mean, I could hear you scream from all the way down here.

 **Clara** : What?

 **Doctor** : Nothing.

 **Clara** : Doctor, if you're stalking me again, then so help me, I will smack you so hard you'll never be able to sit down.

 **Doctor** : I'm not stalking you. I'm... watching the pigeons from this bench. There are a lot of them.

 **Clara** : Sure you are.

 **Clara** : Oh, yeah, I can see you from my window. Do you see me waving to you?

 **Doctor** : That doesn't look like waving...

 **Doctor** : CLARA! Stop making that obscene gesture at once!

 **Clara** : Serves you right. This is what you get for waking me up early.

 **Doctor** : Clara, really. That wasn't very nice.

 **Clara** : Neither are you:)

 **Doctor** : Oh, ha ha.

 **Clara** : Wait, Doctor?

 **Doctor** : What now?

 **Clara** : Turn around.

( _A truck is coming by and Clara asks him to turn around at the exact instant it drives by the Doctor. The tires splash water from the puddles on the roadside directly onto his face_.)

 **Doctor** : Was that really necessary?!

 **Clara** : February Fool's! Now we're even.

 **Doctor** : This tit-for-tat business is ridiculous.

 **Clara** : You look really funny from up here. Like a great dripping stick insect.

 **Doctor** : You're so witty this nothing.

 **Clara** : I know XO

 **Doctor:** What's that supposed to be?

 **Clara** : What?

 **Doctor** : XO.

 **Doctor** : Is it supposed to be you?

 **Clara** : Excuse me?

 **Doctor** : Well, the X could be your short legs, and the O could be your wide face. Or one of your huge eyes.

 **Clara** : You're asking for trouble, Mister.

 **Doctor** : I'm guessing that's not what it was.

 **Clara** : For your information, it was 'hugs and kisses'. The X is a hug and the O is a kiss.

 **Doctor** : Oh.

 **Clara** : But I'm taking it back now because you were mean.

 **Doctor** : No, wait.

 **Clara** : ...?

 **Doctor** : Sorry.

 **Clara** : For what?

 **Doctor** : For insulting you.

 **Clara** : How hard was that for you to say?

 **Doctor** : Very hard.

 **Clara** : I thought so.

 **Clara** : I guess I'll forgive you... if you come up here and have tea with me.

 **Doctor** : I shouldn't.

 **Clara** : Oh, do you have to stay with your little pigeons down there? Strangely enough, I don't actually see any right now.

 **Doctor** : I don't want to be a bother.

 **Clara** : You're not a bother.

 **Clara** : Come on. You look all sad and miserable and wet down there. Makes me wonder if you're doing it on purpose because you wanted me to invite you.

 **Doctor** : Absolutely not. That would be ridiculous.

 **Clara** : I can see you blushing from all the way up here.

 **Clara** : Come up. Right now. That's an order.

 **Doctor** : Yes ma'am.

 **Clara** : And you're making the tea.

 **Hope you enjoyed**.


	9. Chapter 9

**Just so you know - updates will be fairly sporadic from now on. I have many important exams this year and not as much time to write as I would like.**

 **Enjoy the chapter and please review, and give me requests if you have any!**

 **Clara** : Doctor.

 **Clara** : Doctor, are you there?

 **Clara** : DOCTORRRRRR.

 **Twelfth Doctor** : Ugh! Can't you leave me in peace for one second?

 **Clara** : Sure.

 **Clara** : Right, it's been a second. I'm back.

 **Doctor** : It's pointless telling you anything.

 **Clara** : You only just learned that?

 **Doctor** : Fine, what do you want this time?

 **Clara** : Well, _that's_ nice! No 'hello' or 'how've you been' or 'can I stop by tomorrow to make sure you haven't died or anything'?

 **Doctor** : Absolutely not. _You're_ the one who wrote to _me_. It's your job to ask how I'm doing.

 **Clara** : Etiquette is completely lost on you.

 **Doctor** : I'm a Time Lord. I don't have to deal with such trivial things as etiquette.

 **Clara** : Rubbish. Try saving the universe without saying 'you're welcome'. It's impossible.

 **Doctor** : Not for me.

 **Clara** : Just the other day I got you to wear a napkin on your lap while you ate! That's etiquette.

 **Doctor** : No, that's not etiquette, that's 'doing what I have to do to save myself from Clara Oswald's fury'. Big difference.

 **Clara** : I can't stand it. I can't stand people who keep arguing even though they know I'm right.

 **Clara** : I'm _always_ right!

 **Doctor** : Well, if saying _that_ isn't a breach of etiquette, then I don't know what is.

 **Clara** : You know what? We're moving on.

 **Doctor** : But I'm not finished discussing your etiquette breaches.

 **Clara** : Well, I am.

 **Clara** : Since you didn't bother to ask me how I was, I'll just go straight ahead to the reason why I texted you in the first place.

 **Doctor** : I'm absolutely enraptured.

 **Clara** : Even over text you make me want to smack you.

 **Clara** : I wrote to you because I've been getting some weird emails lately.

 **Doctor** : You've probably signed up to too many 'how to make my face less round' newsletters.

 **Clara** : Shut up!

 **Clara** : No, these are extra weird. It's not just random spam.

 **Doctor** : How do you know?

 **Clara** : Because the emails aren't just in English. They're also in a bunch of other languages that don't look anything like Earth languages.

 **Clara** : I figured since you're a Time Lord, you could help.

 **Doctor** : Erm... I think I have to go...

 **Clara** : No, wait.

 **Clara** : I can tell what all the bits in other languages are saying, though. Probably an extension of the TARDIS translation matrix.

 **Doctor** : I really need to go...

 **Clara** : JUST WAIT.

 **Clara** : The emails are all about intergalactic deals. 'Buy your vortex manipulator today for half-off. Comes in pink or black.' Things like that.

 **Doctor** : I... wouldn't know anything about that.

 **Clara** : Then tell me why the emails are all addressed to 'Dear Rock'n'Rollin'Doctor'.

 **Doctor** : Erm.

 **Clara** : Spill the beans, Mister. I already gave you a million chances to tell the truth. Come on.

 **Doctor** : Well... it was a great username, no?

 **Clara** : No.

Doctor: _I_ thought so.

 **Clara** : I don't care what _you_ thought, and stop trying to distract me. I want to know why I'm getting intergalactic spam that's not even addressed to me!

 **Doctor** : Sure, I'll tell you.

 **Doctor** : Just let me take care of this thing I'm doing first...

 **Clara** : We both know you're stalling for time.

 **Clara** : I'll make you eat one of my soufflés unless you tell me.

 **Doctor** : No! I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

 **Clara** : This better be good.

 **Doctor** : Two reasons.

 **Doctor** : One: spying.

 **Doctor** : Two: shopping.

 **Clara** : WAIT. _You_ shop?

 **Doctor** : There were some great deals! I could get ten bunches of bananas for the equivalent of fifty pence!

 **Clara** : Okay, forget I asked. Fine. You wanted good deals. What about the spying?

 **Doctor** : Well, that's more complicated... are you sure you want to know?

 **Clara** : Tell. Me. Everything.

 **Doctor** : And you promise I won't have to eat a soufflé?

 **Clara** : If you behave.

 **Doctor** : Fine.

 **Doctor** : I've been tracking the purchases of a society called the Dark Star. They're like the intergalactic Mafia. I wanted to see what they were up to, so I created an account on the shopping website. And then I... tweaked my settings a little, so I could see what they were buying.

 **Clara** : You are evil.

 **Doctor** : Thank you.

 **Clara** : And I suppose your strategy worked.

 **Doctor** : Since when do my strategies not work?

 **Clara** : Since always.

 **Doctor** : Well, this one did. I've been seeing all their purchases and I now know enough to guess what their next act of mischief will be.

 **Clara** : Whatever it is won't be as bad as this act of mischief from you, Mister Sneaky.

 **Doctor** : Mister Sneaky...?

 **Clara** : You hacked my email account! How did you even know the password?

 **Doctor** : Sonic screwdrivers have remarkable code-cracking capabilities.

 **Clara** : I'm going to break that stupid bleeper over your head!

 **Doctor** : I'd like to see you try!

 **Clara** : Really? Would you?

 **Doctor** : Okay, no, not really.

 **Clara** : Because you know I'd do it, that's why. So you better watch out. And stay far away from my email account.

 **Doctor** : Would saying sorry help?

 **Clara** : No.

 **Clara** : You know what I want to know? Did you honestly think I wasn't going to find out?

 **Doctor** : I guess I accidentally signed up to the weekly newsletter or something.

 **Clara** : Why didn't you use your own email address?

 **Doctor** : I don't have one.

 **Clara** : You're joking.

 **Doctor** : No, I'm not! I'm too busy for email addresses. I'm perfectly content with stealing others.

 **Doctor** : That sounded better in my head.

 **Clara** : Your days of hacking email accounts are over. My place, tonight, 8:00.

 **Clara** : And that's February 15th, before you can ask.

 **Doctor** : ...Why?

 **Clara** : We're making you an email address. And I've got plenty of soufflés in the house , so don't even think about trying to argue.

 **Doctor** : But Clara!

 **Clara** : And don't be late!

 **Doctor** : Late is relative.

 **Clara** : Sure - relative to the smack you'll get if you keep up the snarkiness.

 **Clara** : 8:00. My house. And bring those chocolate-covered cookies you've got hidden under your bed.

 **Doctor** : What? How did you know about those?

 **Clara:** I know everything.

 **Clara** : See you in a bit;)

 **Doctor** : If I must.


	10. Goodbye

Hey all, sorry that I had to do this so suddenly, but I have to leave . Thank you all for being such lovely readers and reviewers. It's been my pleasure writing for you all, particularly the Whouffaldi! :) I wish you all the best!


End file.
